Maybe life for you is not like the person described in part 1 “Big.” You don’t cheat on your spouse; you don’t even chat with women on the internet or go to “adult” places of business. Life is much more normal; work during the day, rest at home with the family at night and weekends.
Spending time at church is part of your week. You like helping out with the Youth group and attending all Sunday morning services are a part of your week. As you see others praising the Lord during the service, there appears to be a true longing and relationship with God from their praise. When the pastor delivers the sermon, they are following his every word. It is almost like they know the pastor is describing their best friend to them as he talks about God.
God does not fit in your pocket. He is someone you fear and respect. But for you, it doesn’t seem real. Sure, you have faked raising your hands during the singing, even enjoyed a few songs that touched your heart. But something was missing. It felt like something was just not right.
The other night you were so glad you were able to get the computer screen changed to the sports website when your wife walked into the room. If she had seen what was on the screen a second earlier, the couch would have been your bed for the night. You tell yourself, again, that looking at the women on the computer shouldn’t be a big deal; you are not flirting with them or having an affair with them. So why should you hide it from your wife? But you know it’s not right and she would think it was a big deal. Conflict fills you as you want to do what is right, but you keep finding yourself drawn back to women.
Time after time you keep asking God to help you stop going to the websites when you are tired and stressed, but each time it only lasted for a few days or a few weeks. “Why won’t He listen to my plea for help? Why won’t He give me the strength to stop? If He is big enough, He could stop this desire!”
As you continue to struggle with God about strength to stop viewing pornography, your small group starts a series on the effects of porn on men. One of the men in the group opens up about his struggle and asks for the group to pray for him. Fear and panic enter your body as you wonder if they could tell you looked at porn last night. Will they call you out? You have God on your side, you don’t need to share with the group. “I know God will help me break free one day. I can handle this on my own for now.”
Lately, your wife has strained your nerves. It seems she wants more time with you at night, instead of letting you get on the computer to relax. She doesn’t understand why you won’t go to bed with her, but would rather be on the computer a little longer. She asks for you to give up on the computer for awhile, but you tell her you need the time to relax to be a better person. But as long as she does not know you have to look at porn to relax, you keep up the fight for your alone time. It’s your time and she should respect it.
Or should she?
What if you gave up hiding? What if you gave up the pornography? What if you went to bed with your wife? What if you confessed to someone safe about your desire to look at porn?
Do you think God would grow in size?
Would He grow or would you be able to see Him for how big He really is? Is it possible to see Him and know Him without hiding anything?
Do you want to trust Him completely?
Maybe there is more to God than you have let Him show you. If you want to know more, go on to part 3, Biggest.