It came to one choice: Do I give up my marriage, my sons, my family, my job, my church, my friends and my reputation or do I give up on God? I had to choose one or the other. My life brought me to this point.
The secrets I had accumulated from years of viewing porn and meeting other people for sex could no longer be a part of my life if I wanted freedom, peace and rest. I was exhausted from hiding all my actions. Everywhere I went with my wife or people who didn’t know my secrets become a mental game of “Gotcha.” Who was going to share my secrets and ruin my life? The weight of keeping all my lies straight was heavy. The mental list of lies and how they tied together was at the point I could no longer remember the truth from fiction.
All the years of my addiction I begged God to give me freedom from the porn and sexual sin, but I conditioned every plea with “God take it away, but don’t tell anyone.” Nothing changed, things only got worse. Porn became empty, so why not chat online. The chatting online ended up not being enough to fill me, maybe meeting people would be what I need to find contentment. No, it left me empty and isolated.
The isolation is where I was forced to make a decision. I could give up on God and keep my secrets. He hasn’t changed me and either doesn’t love me or I’m too broken to be changed. Or, I could let my secrets out and lose everything with little to no hope of keeping any of the things I had accumulated in my life. All I had was a final hope that God could still change me if I made my request for help unconditional, no more secrets.
My decision: agree to allow God to have everything. I gave up control and agreed I would take whatever outcome. I told Christi and I told my small group of my secrets. My marriage, as I knew it, was destroyed. My connection with my small group was never the same.
I lost the marriage I knew. I was no longer the same father. My small group was never the same.
Giving up everything, God took away things I needed out of my life. A group of friends I kept online, over 300, were gone. Freedom on my computer was no longer available. Trust to make decisions in secret was removed.
As God took away the things that needed to be removed from my life, he gave me things I never expected. He restored my marriage and allowed us to find new levels of transparency and depth. Doubt of being the father my sons would need to grow up as Godly men was replaced with a hunger to lead them. God then blessed our family with a baby girl. God gave me a new job and a place to flourish. He opened up the depths of the relationships in my small group and my church. New relationships were built through his leading. He led my secrets to be shared as part of my story of his grace, changing my reputation to a man seeking His heart.
Making the one decision to give up everything and trust God, I lost a lot and gained more than I could have ever imagined. Are you ready to trust God and see what he will do in your life? If so, don’t wait, today is the day to find freedom.
You are not alone. Because I have walked this path, I want to help you on your journey. Are you ready?